Sexy Halloween Costumes

Last week, I made a post about my favorite Halloween costume, but I realize that not everyone is going to have the good fortune I had in finding an unusually versatile bucket. Even if you did, you’d just be a copycat, now.

With such a conundrum, it might be tempting to go and purchase a costume. Well, that can be alright, I guess, but I know that it can also be difficult to avoid certain pitfalls, the worst of which is the so-called “sexy” Halloween costume.

A Sexy Halloween costume is defined not by its actual sex appeal, as you shall see, but by a certain misguided je-ne-sais-quoi. You know it when you see it, or when you see the name “sexy” in the title. The Sexy costume is not generally hot and it provides nothing but the bitter tang of camp value, that other little treasure people seek in a costume. Campiness is like shooting fish in a barrel, and the campiness available below is like shooting fish packed into the barrel of your gun. You can do better!

So here are some gems! (Warning! These might not be sexy, but they are still a bit racy to view at work.)

The Sexy Remote Control

  • She is a remote and she has a remote.
  • There is an “up” button for both Good Girl and Bad Girl, and a “down” button for Neutral.
  • Why would you want to back-track her hotness?
  • The “push” button on her head is kind of cryptic! (It’s a fellatio gag.*)
  • One breast turns her on (or off?), and the other one shuts her up.
  • Actually, I guess her breast turns on an unseen television.
  • “Tell Me: (Shoe) (Love)” seems more like a command for the audience, not in keeping with the other buttons.
  • I have never even seen a pink remote.
  • The “Insert batteries here” nonsense on the back is my favorite part. It really calls to attention the fact that nobody eroticizes remote controls. Just think of the clumsy minutes of roleplaying this costume could provide her and her fellow: She tries to think of lines beyond “you turn me on!” and the fellow considers what sort of battery is the largest and/or most arousing battery to compare himself to and then the whole discussion collapses.

Sexy Eve

  • The one costume that can only be LESS skimpy! And the site offers TWO different styles of Eve-in-a-green-dress.

Sexy Mrs. Potato Head

  • This sexy costume is neither sexy nor a costume! It is just the ugliest dress you ever bought.

Naughty Adult Maid

  • So classist! I hate how maids’ black-sequin pasties are so fetishized, even in this day and age.

Sexy Pinocchio

  • Pinocchio is a little wooden boy.
  • Ugh, are you going to tell lies all night and hold that nose up?
  • Jiminy Cricket! Is this produced by/approved by Disney? It kind of looks like it is, with that “Give a Little Whistle” picture on the lederhosen-skirt.
  • NSA, heh heh. (The only joke that can earnestly go with this costume)

Arresting Officer

  • This officer is going to get arrested for entrapment, with that sultry look!
  • …Hey—that isn’t a REAL uniform! I guess she will be arrested for impersonating an officer. Could have fooled me!
  • Also she will be arrested for solicitation.

Sexy Cookie Monster, Sexy Big Bird, and Sexy Elmo.

  • What?
  • What?
  • These are very tame, I suppose, but it’s the principle of the thing.
  • The taglines in the product descriptions are, “COOKIES!!! Umm-num-num-num-num!” “Learning the ABC’s has never been this sexy.” and “Elmo Loves You!” respectively. Ugh.
  • Sesame Street costumes are for kids, not full-grown women.

*pun intended


8 responses to “Sexy Halloween Costumes

  1. You would never in a million years know that was a police officer if she didn’t have the handcuffs.

    Also, Eve’s snake is photoshopped on!

  2. When I think sexy, I think Mrs. Potato Head, every time.

    The remote control is definitely the best one. This site is clearly going out of its way to give each costume at least three pieces. Hence the remote control garter. You must have to strip while wearing the maid costume to get the full effect.

  3. takinthelongway

    wtf pinocchio?

  4. I… But the… How did… What was the… But she was a… But it’s not… The hell? All of these costumes terrify and depress me. And I think that somebody got the Old Testament (450 BCE) mixed up with Batman and Robin (1997 CE).

  5. The Mrs. Potato Head is the best! And after Halloween, it can double as lingerie! Great value!

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