So a couple years ago, my pal Scott and I passed by an open manhole and I asked him to climb down it. He refused, and I promised him food or money or something if he’d go in, but still he refused! So then this happened! (Note: this is paraphrased and shortened!)
Scott, if you climb down that manhole, you will get everything you’ve ever dreamed of and more. Sumptuous banquets. A parade in your honor. Beautiful dancing men. A seat in the US Senate—no, two!—no, ten!—no, FIFTY. A HUNDRED. You will be president and king! You will have peacocks with silver voices and rubies and emeralds coming up out of their mouths and they will smell like exotic perfumes. You will have high quality radios that play your favorite songs whenever you want them to and only when you feel like it. The moon. Also an improved and more charming moon, that floats in the palm of your hand and smells like fresh baked bread. You will have so many cars that you could pave your own road with nothing but luxury cars. Cars that run on water. You will have more shirts than Great Gatsby could ever dream of or imagine, in colors you have never seen. Hummingbirds will follow you, and rose petals will fall in your path. You will be able to play any instrument in the world and also you will invent a few that are even better. You will always be well-rested and never have a cold and also your breath will smell good no matter what you ate. What’s your favorite holiday? That’s going to replace Mondays. Every baby’s first word will be “Scott” now. You will be able to run a mile without breathing or blinking. Gorgeous dogs will carry you around your house and maidens will brush their shining pelts.
If you refuse to think of yourself, think of others, please. If you climb down that manhole, world hunger will be solved forever, and not with just basic food, but with lobsters and mac & cheese and whatever anybody likes to eat. The stars will spell out words of hope to people in need. Billionaires will donate all their money of their own volition and all the sick people will be all better but doctors will still be just fine because they found enough gold in their yards to support them forever. Global warming will be over, and the weather will be great all the time. All water will be clean and come in any flavor people want to have. Wars will be replaced with hug-ins.
Fine. I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but there are consequences if you don’t go in the manhole.
I mean it.
Okay, here I go:
First of all, scorching sand will fly from your throat whenever you speak. You will always be about to sneeze! Snapping moray eels will spring from your body every hour on the hour! Everything will be covered in garbage water! Your parents will turn into wax figures that can still feel pain and they will melt before your very eyes and obviously blame you! Their last words will be a curse on your name! An eagle will eat your liver all the time like in that myth, but your liver will be EXTRA SENSTIVE and the eagle will be dripping with awful lemon juice! Ouch! No matter how hard you try, you just can’t avoid stepping on kittens and mice wherever you go, crushing them! I, Anna, will turn into THREE DRAGONS, EACH ONE LARGER AND MORE TERRIBLE THAN THE OTHER TWO and the TREES WILL COME DOWN FROM THE MOUNTAINS. Rory’s hands will turn into horrible RATS and Alison will become addicted to HEROIN. You’ll be covered in papercuts and milk will sour in cows as you walk by. Every child will be born with splinters! World hunger will DOUBLE, but nobody will die from it, just get EVEN HUNGRIER. A pale, bloated figure will spoon with you whenever you try to sleep. All the movies you liked will turn out to suck and it won’t even be funny! Your fingernails will get pulled out, revealing little squiggly things beneath! That’s disgusting! Motor oil dripping out of your eyes!
Besides, Scott, it would be so simple. It’s right there, and there’s a ladder, and frankly I would do it if I could, but it really has to be you. You have everything to gain by doing so and everything to lose by not doing so and I wish you would just trust me on this as I am looking out for your best interests not to mention the interests of everyone in the world in case you didn’t pick up on that.