A Joke and Two Other Jokes

So there’s this bar, right? It’s by the harbor or something, because the bartender hears the door crash open and in out of the rain there comes this pirate. Like, a real buccaneer, looks like he might be a captain, the whole nine yards: Eye patch, hook-hand, peg-leg—been through a lot. But this bartender sees pirates every day. It’s that kind of a bar. No, what catches his eye is the fact that this particular pirate captain has a ship’s wheel tucked into the front of his trousers.

The captain takes a seat (awkwardly, thanks to the wheel) at the bar and orders a rum, it goes without saying. After a few minutes, the bartender finally can’t stand it anymore and just has to ask him—he says,

“I’m sorry, cap’n, but I just have to ask—why do have that ship’s wheel tucked in your trousers?”

“This? Pah, wouldn’t you rather hear about the time I lost my eye?? We’d just boarded the Annie St. May when…” and he tells the story of how he lost his eye. It’s very exciting. The bartender listens, but he just has to ask again.

“That’s a grand tale, cap’n, but what about that ship’s wheel you’ve got—“

“And me hand! Me ol’ right hand! Wouldn’t ye like t’hear the tale of how I lost me hand? We had just been wrecked in the Straits of—“  another grisly tale of adventure and near misses. The bartender has heard such tales a thousand times, in his line of business. The ship’s wheel, which taps against the bar as the captain tells his tale, is the real point of interest.

“Very thrilling, very thrilling, mate, but that wheel—“

“I haen’t even told ye about me LEG, laddie! Why, that’s a tale to tell!” and the captain launches into the tale of how he lost his bonny leg. Sharks are involved, and it would make a man’s blood run cold, if he weren’t fixated on the ridiculous ship’s steering wheel on the grizzled pirate’s pants. The captain looks over it at the bartender as he concludes his tale, beaming manically. The bartender nods with all due respect, but asks his question a final time.

“Cap’n, ye have seen a lot in yer days, an’ it’s all very fascinatin’. But I really must know, if you’ll tell me, sir: Why in god’s good name have ye got that great bloody ship’s wheel stuck down the front or your trousers?”

The captain heaves a great sigh and throws back a last swig of rum. It always comes to this. “Arr,” he says, looking down at the thing. “It drives me nuts.”

 

Get it? Of course you do. I’ll bet you’ve heard it before, too. Even if you haven’t, it’s a very standard joke. Well, when I heard it from my parents, back in my younger days, there was another joke in my family—that I was kind of a prude. And I was! But I had a sense of humor. So I told them my new, improved, Anna-version of the joke. And it went like this:

So there’s this bar, right? It’s by the harbor or something, because the bartender hears the door crash open and in out of the rain there comes this pirate. Like, a real buccaneer, looks like he might be a captain, the whole nine yards: Eye patch, hook-hand, peg-leg—been through a lot…

[…repeat the entire joke, and then…]

The captain heaves a great sigh and throws back a last swig of rum. It always comes to this. “Arr,” he says, looking down at the thing. “It drives me crazy.”

They laughed to the point of tears! They really did. My mom took the joke right back to work, where she’d gotten it, and everyone there also just died laughing. Figuratively, of course.

My brother, though, came up with another logical extension of this joke, which is fantastic, and here’s how it goes:

So there’s this bar, right? It’s by the harbor or something, because the bartender hears the door crash open and in out of the rain there comes this pirate. Like, a real buccaneer, looks like he might be a captain, the whole nine yards: Eye patch, hook-hand, peg-leg—been through a lot…

[…repeat the entire joke AGAIN, and then…]

The captain heaves a great sigh and throws back a last swig of rum. It always comes to this. “Arr,” he says, looking down at the thing. “It drives me testicles.”

I like to tell all three of these jokes one right on the heels of the other, for the best effect.

6 responses to “A Joke and Two Other Jokes

  1. You know, I’m still not sure which my favorite is! I think my favorite is all three of them together.

  2. OH MY GOD I WAS TOTALLY GOING TO SUGGEST YOU MAKE A POST ABOUT THIS, SERIOUSLY

  3. Haha, I like the idea of telling this joke to someone who knows it and just pulling out one of the second who versions instead at the end. Maybe it’s best to tell it to a group where ONE person knows it, so they think you’re in on it together.

  4. Weird, I was just thinking about this joke the other day. Though I remember that the dual meaning of the original punchline was even more refined, so that the “nice” version of the joke was “garr, it makes me crazy” and the opposite one was “Garr, it steers me testicles”
    Lulz either way

  5. takinthelongway

    Dude. I was JUST THINKING ABOUT THIS JOKE THE OTHER DAY. Weird.

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